Wow, it’s hard to believe I graduated high school exactly two and a half years ago. It’s been two and a half years since the last time I wrote a real “1-3-1” essay, with an introduction, three body paragraphs, a conclusion and no more than 1000 words—give or take 10 percent. To be honest I kind of miss it. Kind of. There’s just this sense of accomplishment I get every time I write an essay. It always leaves me walking a little taller, feeling just a tad more intelligent than I had a moment before.
Here in LA at DCLS, we have Book Study every Thursday morning. Each week we read two to three chapters of the assigned book, take time to answer a few thought provoking questions, discuss what we learned and thought, and—once we finish the book—write an essay about it. The latest book we read was called Boundaries, written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. To be honest, I didn’t love it—too text-booky for my liking. But, did I gain something from it? Of course. As I was finishing up the essay I realized that I had learned a lot more from the book than I thought, and it’s actually some pretty good truth that I felt someone else needed to hear. So, for all you who thought you were done with essays—here’s just one more. Enjoy!
Boundaries
Emily Granzotto-Martin
December 18, 2014
With approximately seven billion people living on Earth, it’s hard to imagine that each person is designed so uniquely, with different personalities, characteristics, talents and physical appearances. Despite all seven billion differences, the world somehow manages to stay—for the most part—in peaceful order. This would never be possible with out Jesus, first of all, but secondly, with out boundaries. Boundaries are what allow ourselves and others to establish what we can and cannot tolerate when it comes to relationships, time management, finances, organization etc. They determine our property lines—what we own—and are responsible for the good or bad we allow into our lives. Boundaries are a fundamental aspect of knowing who we truly are, and how to live an honest life in relationship with God and others.
The way we build our boundaries, how we react to and treat others boundaries, can say a lot about who we are. Something that has become very clear to me is that I am a compliant boundary builder; continually saying yes, even to the bad. Compliant's often “melt into the needs of others…taking on too many responsibilities and setting too few boundaries, not by choice, but out of fear.” Compliant’s often have a hard time saying “no” to people because they fear guilt, selfishness, anger and abandonment. I personally love being busy and involved with as many projects as possible. I live for the experience, and if a friend is in need I love to help them out as much as I can. Most people would think that is a good thing, which it for sure can be, but when we continually say yes—when truthfully and honestly we’d rather say no—that’s where it becomes unhealthy. Complacency often keeps us from recognizing evil. The story of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42 is a great example of this. Martha, frantic about Jesus’ visit, was so distracted by all she was involved in—cleaning, cooking, making Jesus feel at home—that she didn’t stop once to actually visit with the one she was working so hard to impress. What Martha was doing to prepare for Jesus was not at all wrong—rather, quite thoughtful—it just happened to be a good thing at a bad time, neglecting what was really the priority. I find the devil will often use this tactic against compliant personalities. We constantly say yes to people and believe we are doing a good thing by serving others, that we become so distracted and begin to do things out of guilt rather than the full, loving heart that engaged us in the first place.
Like I mentioned above, knowing your personal boundaries and the boundaries of friends and family around you is one way to ensure healthy growing relationships, built on honesty and trust. Being compliant, I know—from both experience and information based off Boundaries—it is very easy to become resentful towards others when boundaries are pushed. We focus so hard on pleasing people, and confrontation does not come easily. For example; when two complaints are together, neither one really ends up being honest with the other because they both will “politely deny their own boundaries to keep the peace.” Around aggressive controllers, compliant’s feel inferior and intimidated and after what tends to be lots of nagging from the compliant, they start to resent the controller because nothing seems to be solved. Manipulative controllers, often disorganized or needy, will use compliant friends to their advantage, because they know how easy it is for them to say “yes,” leaving the compliant frustrated and angry. Lastly, around non-responsive friends, compliant’s usually end up feeling invisible, depressed and resentful because they take on too much responsibility for the friendship while the non-responsive hardly takes on any. I have personally experienced every single one of these boundary issues with either a family member or friend, which could have easily been avoided. Confrontation is not something that comes easily to me because I fear hurting, loosing, and upsetting the other person. I often forget that—as much as I wish this were true—people can not read minds. If I don't speak up and make my feelings known to others, how are they supposed to know what frustrates me, or what my boundaries are? Speaking up is not always easy and may cause discomfort for a period of time, but in the end, is the best way to stay true to yourself and live honestly with one another.
God, the most powerful being, has boundaries that need to be respected too, and we tend to forget that a lot. God has created each one of us in his image, with talents and abilities so unique that the plan God has for our lives can only possibly be lived out by us, no one else. He leaves work for us to do, that only we can do and he will direct us on that path setting up the exact opportunities for us to make the job successful. What a slap in the face it is to Jesus, for us to think we should set up our own “Plan B just in case he doesn’t pull through.” When God makes a promise he never breaks his promise—all he asks for is our trust. That being said, God wants us to be honest with him. He wants truth, something to build a real relationship off of. God wants us to talk to him honestly, not passively. If you are angry, tell him, yell at him—be honest. God respects our feelings and emotions, just as much as we should respect his. He doesn’t abandon, forsake or withdraw from us when we say “no” to something he has called us to do, and we should do the same. He knows what is the absolute best for us at the absolute best time, so when we want and pray about something so hard but don’t receive it, don’t withdraw from him—respect his “no” and continue to be faithful—he may be holding out for something greater later on. Realizing that God respects our boundaries, and respecting God’s boundaries all the same, helps us be the best person we can be in God’s image.
Imagine, for a second, a world with absolutely no boundaries. How would we function? People running around recklessly demanding their every need met while others work to the bone to fulfill them. Some would just be too blunt and honest, while others would be like walking robots, never speaking their mind. We all have limits—buttons that can easily be pushed—and the only way of protecting ourselves is knowing, establishing and respecting our boundaries. Although it is not always easy and definitely takes practice, the more aware we are of our limits the easier it is to stay clear of being burnt out or resentful towards others. As important as it is to know our own boundaries, it is just as important to know God’s and others. A relationship is a two way street. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Thanks for tuning in.
EmGM
